After deuce weeks of watching Olympic commercials on "the networks of NBC Universal," as the employees of General Electric so grandly put it, it is time � at long last � to present complex number medals in a post-games advertising review.
Most of the thousands of spots that ran on networks wish CNBC, NBC, MSNBC and USA expressed sentiments intimate to viewing audience of so-called big events on television. Patriotism is good. Striving for athletic achievement is noble. The world would be a better space if we all drank the same beverages, drove the same cars, shopped at the same stores and bought things with the same credit cards.
And too many commercials relied on predictable images to evoke China for Western consumers: dragons, pandas, ninjas, the Great Wall and homages to (or parodies of) "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon."
Still, there were muscae volitantes that stood out because they verbalised familiar thoughts in a new fashion or they actually offered, as the Monty Python folks would say, something completely different.
Make-believe gold medals go to commercials that were actually worth observation. Some unspeakable commercials are receiving lead medals, for base (and debased) performance. Some muscae volitantes that fell short or rang imitation are acquiring tin medals.
Here are some examples, in alphabetical ordering, of how advertisers fared:
Anheuser-Busch
It was nice to see again a delightful Super Bowl commercial-grade about a Clydesdale grooming to make up the Budweiser team. Gold. But spots that well-tried to rebrand Michelob as a trade beer from the "Michelob Brewing Co." seemed strained. Tin.
AT&T
"We will shatter records," a commercial for AT&T proclaimed. "We will overstretch off miracles. We will make history." To paraphrasis the punch line of an old joke, what do you mean "we," couch potato? In another spot, a gymnast is covered with butterflies, which disappear as she performs a bright routine. Alas, it was too reminiscent of the playoff game in Cleveland when the midges attacked the Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain. Tin.
Coca-Cola
More hits than misses as the Coca-Cola Co. renowned "the Coke side of life" with commercials infused with attention-getting animation. In one, birds use soda water straws to make a replica of the Beijing stadium known as the Bird's Nest. In another, members of the Chinese and U.S. basketball teams pause amid their competition to refresh together. Gold.
DIRECTV
The comedian Jimmy Kimmel � minus his sense of humor � berated tV audience without DirecTV as losers because they do not watch enough football each fall. No wonder Sarah Silverman stone-broke up with him. Lead.
Exxon Mobil
Employees of Exxon Mobil fight malaria. And they help schoolchildren learn math and science. When did the company sell its oil and gas holdings and become a eleemosynary organization? Tin.
General Electric
A toga-clad hunk whose discus flip goes terribly awry light-emitting diode a memorable cast of characters in spots for GE. Others included a Chinese couple who, as they suppose in Hollywood, meet precious: He's a klutz, and she's an X-ray technician. Gold.
General Motors
An imaginative commercial for the coming Chevrolet Volt, showing how a corner gasoline station changed through the decades, was worth watching every time it ran. And it ran a lot, as General Motors seeks to change its image as a purveyor of outdated gas-guzzlers. Gold.
Lenovo
A spot featuring dozens of sumo wrestlers who unbelievably transform into an airplane and take flight, demonstrating the lightsome weight of the Lenovo ThinkPad, was charming. Gold. (But mayhap the commercial-grade should take been protected for the next Olympics held in Japan.)
John McCain
A commercial that attacked John McCain's opposition, Barack Obama, misfired badly because it was out of place amid the myriad offbeat spots that came before and later. Worse in time, the number 1 time the commercial appeared was during the feel-good Parade of Nations in the opening ceremony. A subsequent McCain commercial was also negative, but more than subtly; it bashed President Bush by asserting that "we're worse off than we were four days ago." Lead.
McDonald's
Which were more peculiar, the commercials that compared workers at McDonald's making sandwiches to athletes competing in Olympic sports or the commercials that presented athletes talking around McDonald's sandwiches as if they were medals? It is hard to believe a fast feeder wants to liken eating its menu items to exercise. Lead.
Movies
What obsessed film studios like Universal and Warner Bros. to run commercials during the Olympics for dark, violent movies with harsh name calling like "Body of Lies," "Death Race," "Righteous Kill" and "Traitor"? The floater were regular more out of place than the McCain commercials. Lead.
NBC
Promotions for series like "America's Got Talent," "America's Toughest Jobs" and "America's Most American Americans" � just kidding on that last one � were more over the upside than the NBC announcers who screamed their narrations of Michael Phelps' races. And it seemed timeserving that in the showtime commercial break off after Phelps won his eighth gold medal, the network ran a spot peddling its own DVD set, "Michael Phelps: Greatest Olympic Champion ... The Inside Story." Tin.
Nissan Motor
A sedan chair and a sports automobile, side by side on a highway, fuse into a single vehicle to prove the 2009 Nissan Maxima is a "four-door sports car." Shades of the time of origin Certs muscae volitantes that chirped, "It's deuce, two, deuce mints in one!" Tin.
United Airlines
Some of the c. H. Best Olympic commercials were for the struggling United Airlines unit of UAL. Exceptional animation made them lovely to catch, and lush versions of "Rhapsody in Blue" made them a pleasure to listen to. A spot featuring an orchestra of sea creatures was superb. Gold.
Visa
Uplifting tales of Olympians past and present, delivered in a plummy voice by the actor Morgan Freeman, were accompanied by gauzy images in formulaic spots for Visa International. They seemed to be clones of the puffy, bathetic profiles of athletes that NBC typically inflicts upon Olympic viewers, which may be the reason the network ran so few of those vignettes. For that, Visa deserves a medallion. Gold.
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So much for the tale of the tape.
